Forbidden: A Lams Fanfiction
by ecol
Summary: John Laurens met, loved, and lost Alexander Hamilton so quickly that it seemed like a dream.
1. Prologue: The Wedding

Eliza has champagne on her breath as she speaks. "I'm so glad you could come tonight, Mr. Laurens! I know Alexander- Ooh!" A clumsy dancer bumps into her, causing her to stumble over a bit. I catch her in my arm, preventing her from falling over.

"It's no problem at all, Mrs. Hamilton," I smile at her name. I lift her straight up again and Eliza giggles, as if sharing her new last name was a secret. Her chocolate brown eyes are sparkling in the candlelight. The candles dangle above our heads, swaying oh so gently with the draft that finds its way through every crack in the Schuyler mansion.

"I should hope it wouldn't be. Thank you again, John." Eliza smiles one last time and saunters off. Her husband stands in the corner, a similar champagne flute in his head. He tips it back, his own lips pressing the lips of the glass with a graceful touch. Eliza extends her arm out, and they embrace. He kisses her forehead and she giggles like a schoolgirl. Her laugh is like tinkling bells, erupting over the regular, roaring wedding noises that float through my ears.

Angelica Schuyler, in her big peach gown, glides toward me. She is taller than me, but she is respectful of my space. She presses a hand on my shoulder. "How are you this evening, John?"

I turn to the eldest Schuyler sister, trying to come up with some lie. "I'm fine, Miss Schuyler. How are you?"

Angelica's gaze turns hard. "We both know you aren't fine, Mr. Laurens."


	2. Forbidden

Alexander Hamilton walked into my life so unexpectedly that it seems as though he was a dream. He was tall, he was painstakingly beautiful, and most of all-he had the brains of all the geniuses put together. Alexander Hamilton was my type of man.

We were roommates, becoming friends instantly. He told me of his upbringing, a woeful tale that I wish not to think of. He grew up in Nevis, in the Caribbean. He was a charter. And when he came here, he joined the Continental army, and became my friend.

My best friend.

And my lover.

Our love was forbidden by the government, by laws and by moral code. We were secret about what we did, but every moment we spent together were moments spent well. I did not waste any time with Alexander; he meant too much to me to give him up completely.

I don't know if he felt the same.


	3. Love

He put his hand to my cheek, looking at me intensely. I flushed in the night air, even if it was cold.

"I love you, John," Alexander muttered, leaning in closer to me. He pressed his lips to mine, pulling me closer than he ever had before. I wasn't really surprised with his actions; after all, he is my Alexander. But when he pulled me closer something sparked inside of me. My hands ran through his dark long locks and we kissed and groaned for hours. I didn't expect to feel this way about anyone I'd ever met.

At the very end, when we were both completely spent, I turned to him. I kissed him on the cheek and muttered, "I love you, too, Alexander."

I was in love with him, but he fell out. He didn't know how he felt, and he needed security. He needed someone other than his little army boy toy.

I understood then.

I met Elizabeth Schuyler, and I understood even more.


	4. Eliza

Her hair was dark and long, almost to the middle of her back. She had a glow in her eyes that I don't think I've seen imitated in anyone else.

Large, rosy cheekbones and dimples danced on her face. She took Alexander's arm with such grace while we were talking.

"Good evening, John!" she was bright and silvery, made of Christmas bells. She kissed Alexander on the cheek softly. He smiled at her with love in his eyes.

I remember when he glanced at me like that. The only difference between her and I is that she and him will not be hanged for smiling and glancing at her like he does.

"Will you excuse us for a minute, John?" Alexander bows his head to me, then wraps an arm around his dear Eliza as they saunter off.

My face becomes flushed, my heart pounds. Utter rage fills me and I want to flip these tables over, to destroy, to make sure Eliza knows exactly what she's doing-

No.

No, I can't do that to him.

If I truly loved him, I would let him be with the dark haired girl. I would let them be happy in their little cottage in Harlem (At least, that's the plan that Alexander told me about). But can I truly blame me for wanting to keep what was mine?

Elizabeth is an angel. Kind-hearted, gentle, compassionate. She has helped me out over the past couple years, making sure I had a place to stay, giving me food, even giving me connections to Martha, the woman I am supposed to be marrying within the next five years.

I have no idea what to do.


	5. Dreams

The night after he proposed, I layed down to sleep. I took my dark blue coat off and hung it up on my bedpost, the bed that I would not have once Eliza and Alexander left the Schuyler home. I was only allowed to stay because I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I stare up at the ceiling, thinking about my life after Alexander Hamilton. How my heart is completely spent, and everything I thought we had was all for naught.

I will miss him.

Angelica Schuyler looked me up and down. "You look horrific, John. You're tired, you're angsty. What is the matter with you? Why can't you just move on?"

"I love him, Angelica."

I just confessed to sodomy to Angelica Schuyler…

"I know you do, but… Colonel Laurens," she pointed to the newly weds, and we watched them dance. They giggled with each other, glancing lovingly into each other's eyes. "He is no longer yours."

My heart felt like it might burst. My entire body ached and all I wanted to do was drink, or sleep, or drink so hard that I sleep.

Please, take me out of it.

"Angelica, I don't understand-"

"You will someday, dear John," Angelica caressed my cheek. "Thank you."

She turns from me, and vanishes.


	6. Waking Up

My eyes were opened forcefully. My head pounded in its cradle. I felt as though I'm floating on air, I could hardly breathe.

Alexander Hamilton was no longer mine.

Should I have been fearful, or angry? Disappointed or depressed? I didn't know. I didn't care.

All I knew is that I did not wish to see Elizabeth Schuyler ever again. After the wedding I would have writnte Alexander letters like old times; I will tell him how he filled my heart, but he would be busy with other things during his honeymoon…

I didn't want to think such things! He was gentle with the dark haired girl. He kissed her forehead, taking her hand gently to places they have never been. She was an American captain, finding her way towards Tripoli. But I… I was a Barbarian pirate, and I knew the territory better than she did. Alexander's body was the map, and I was familiar with his shorelines, his coasts, his islands and seas.

She knew nothing of him.

But truly, did I know anything of him, either?


End file.
